Just call me Aunt Pushy

I became an Aunt a few years ago. My first nephew doesn't know me. It's very sad. It's his mother's fault. I see pictures through his Grandma (via facebook). She takes care of him. If I could get to Texas, I could go see him. Still he will not know who I am.

I am fortunate to have my other two nephews living VERY close. I am FeeFee to a super smart two year old boy, and currently Dadadadada to a beautiful 8 month baby boy. I am very active in their lives. The 8 month old is in the custody of my mom who does a great job. My two year old nephew lives at my mom's with his mother. I generally do not like to judge people's parenting on a negative level.

Lately, I have been doing so. I see how things are being done with him and I do not agree. I try not to over step the thin line. Once again, I have been doing a bad job at that too. She does not beat him, or anything out right terrible. It's the little things that I see that bother me so much. I don't claim to know everything about parenting but, I do know quite a few things.

I made the choice to open my mouth tonight. (& It wasn't the first time). I know deep down, she knows I am right. She can never even defend herself because her choices are wrong. If you know anything about me, you know that I love my nephews and would go to the end of the earth for them.

It may or may not have been wrong, but if their parent's aren't there to do the right thing and take their side, who will?

Blue Skies

Is there any point in my acknowledgement that I suck at blogging? I remember back in the day, before facebook and even myspace, I would blog daily. If not twice a day. Good ole xanga. Obviously I do not do this, though I really think I need to.

Of course, I work my butt off and cannot keep up with life outside of work. Don't believe me? Well, I tried to prove it but, I have forgotten how to add a picture. My poor dry erase board is full of 3-11 all over it. (That's my shift, just so you know). I believe my boss is trying to work me too hard. Silly her. If she does that then I will be on bedrest unable to work at all.

Speaking of... pregnancy is a lot different than I remember. I do not remember being sick ALL day. I am pretty sure that by the time I hit 12 weeks it magically went away. 14 weeks and I am still sick all the time. Add car sickness and I am pretty miserable daily. I'm really happy to be having a healthy baby so far but I could really do without the fight not to puke.

One day I promise to write more... more meaningful things. Right now I can't.

But I will leave with a question... what kind of person ignores their child? Adult or otherwise?

Last Chance to Lose Your Keys

Well, I am (since we are passed midnight here) 2 months pregnant. :)

Before midnight I went to the Dr. It was a very eventful trip so say the least. I found out that I have a clotting disorder just not the one that they thought. This thing effects 1-2 % of the population. If you have this type you have a 40% chance to have this other one that makes life more difficult for you. Luckily I do not have the other. Silver lining I guess.

What does this mean for me and the baby blob, who has a heartbeat of 170, we get sent to a specialist and probably end up getting a shot every day for the rest of my pregnancy and the 6 weeks following. My doctor doesn't seem overly concerned me? I am freaking out. What happens if I, being the klutz that I am, run into something and cut myself? What happens if I get into a wreck? What happens if the baby decides it wants to come early and I haven't stopped my blood thinners? I bleed out? Leave my child motherless? Leave my boyfriend a single parent?

Yes, a lot of "what if's" but, you gotta think about these things. Needless to say, I am freaking out badly. Now is the time I need support and probably a lot of it. I am not sure anyone around me even realizes how scared I am. Not just for me but, I could pass this on to my child. (Great parenting already) Add this to my already crazy hormones and I am not doing so well right now. I'd like nothing more than to lay under the covers and stay there without anyone. Just me, my ipod & my reader.

In the words from PS I love you "You gotta be rich to be insane"

Then Slowly Grows

Keeping true to myself, which is a good thing to do since the blog is called "Constantly Courtney", I suck at blogging. I haven't in about a month, well less, but still. It's amazing what has changed since I posted my last blog.

My last blog that states something along the lines of, I am not ready for a baby. Funny I should write that because I was unknowingly 15 days pregnant. According to the calculations anyways. Of course that is subject to change.

So, now I guess this can be a blog through pregnancy (again). And keeping up with everything, hoping I make it to full term and have a healthy baby no matter the sex. Contrary to what some may say, I will never care what sex comes out as long as it is a healthy baby.

So here is what I've currently learned from this pregnancy:

*I hate all foods minus fruit, veggies, and water.

*I am still lactose intolerant (though still hoping that changes)

*I have no patience for anything. My fuse couldn't be shorter.

Fred's doing amazing with everything. He couldn't be more tolerable to me and my terrible moods. Someone must think a lot about me to put him in my life. I cannot remember anyone ever being this good to me always.

It's Been A While

I promised myself I wouldn't go super emotional in my blog for the entire world to see, guess I shouldn't make promises anymore. I recently started going to therapy. Its been years, yes literally years, since people started telling me to go. Finally I broke down and started going. The "problem" my dealing (or in other's opinions, lack of dealing) with the death of my son. I guess death isn't really the right word, but perhaps so. I was at my six month check up (pregnancy), just having returned home from my baby shower weekend, and they could not find a heartbeat.

I delivered a still born perfect baby boy, David Andrew.

This was in 2006 and its been quite an emotional ride since then. I've heard all kinds of medical opinions saying I would have a hard time having kids, if I was even able to have them. Then I was told at the ever so great age of 18 that sooner was better than later. (No pressure, huh)

Fast forward to the present. My therapist thinks I am actually dealing with David just fine. She seems to think I am in a good place (which, I happen to agree with). My problem doesn't come from missing him as much as everyone seems to think. (Though, I do miss him) My problem is just this... I live in a "what if" fear of never being able to have kids.

I am 23, have no college education like I want, have a full time job, a boyfriend, and my always amazing dog. Things are just where I want them to be. Would I love to have a baby, sure. Though, it's not the ideal time for me right now. I know this 95% of the time. My therapist is worried about the other 5%. The other 5% leaves me unable to be happy for pregnant friends and family. This also leaves me to become a mental breakdown around new baby boys.

She thinks it will help to write in a blog (the new age diary) and write about how I feel and all that mushy stuff. I'm supposed to also write about happy memories associated with my pregnancy.

The ultimate goal? Simple, be happy with other's pregnancies, not lose my head around baby boys and lose a little of my anxiety in my "what if" world. Besides, even if I cannot give birth myself there are options. I have a cousin who was deemed my "BFF cousin forever". That is serious stuff right there. She has always said she would be a surrogate for me, and still stands by that.

Hey not all family is supportive or helpful but you do have a few right?

So, I start blogging again.

I'll end this with a happy memory...

The day of my baby shower, David moved so much. It's like he could feel all the excitement going on and wanted everyone to feel him move. He was the star of the day of course. I'd like to think that he was going to have a lot of my personality.

That's What You Get

Tonight I come to you from my lovely work...

I am literally being paid to sit on my butt, and do whatever I want as long as I keep a resident from leaving her room. Easy money. I am here from 2pm to 11pm. 9 wonderous hours of getting paid to do what I would normally do on my day off. Oh, did I not mention today was supposed to be my day off? Well it was. Then I signed up for this gig. Its pretty sweet.

In other news... Christmas is coming around... don't you know.
I have been crying for a new camera for at least the last month and a half. Not crying but, I've given more hints about what I want than anyone else. It's been known. So please tell me why my boyfriend was thinking about getting me jewlery.

Don't get me wrong, I love jewlery but I really really REALLY, did I say really?, want this camera. First he told my mom that he was going to get it so, I showed him exactly what I wanted without saying "hey I know you're going to buy me a camera, here is what I want". Just kinda threw it in there so he knew. Instead he sends my best friend a text about a necklace he thought I'd want. (Rough life I have huh?)

Here's to hoping my next 3 hours go a little fast and I get my camera for Christmas

Remember To Breathe

I've been a little M.I.A lately. I don't get too much time to write when I work a lot. I've picked up extra hours because the holidays are coming and well who can't use extra money?

Speaking of work... There is this nurse there that really gets under my skin. I normally do not let people get to me, well people who aren't my family. But this lady makes my everyday at work hell. She has broken me down to tears on more than one occasion. While my boss knows what she does, nothing is being done about it. I love my job, mostly. I love my residents I take care of. They may be crazy, cranky, abusive but, they are mine. I don't know why she is unhappy all the time to make me and my best friend so unhappy but she really does. It's bad because she only treats Morgan and I this way. Many people have seen it and we can't for the life of us understand what we did to this lady. Just seeing her makes my day go down-hill. So, I did everything under the sun I could think of and then I did something I normally wouldn't do. I went to my (new) doctor and told her how I have been feeling. And I was put on medicine.

If you know me, you know that I hate taking medicine but, there really isn't much I can do anymore. I cannot just quit, my boss won't do anything and I cannot continue to be miserable. It isn't fair to my residents to be on edge all the time. So, yesterday I started it. So now this blog is my journey dealing with *sigh* anti-depressants. (I feel like some kind of a crazy person now. No offense to anyone who takes it. Including 1/2 my own family)

Any who. I would like to go back to my last blog.

I had my battery tested and, it is dead. So, It wasn't my lack of knowledge of how to put a battery back. The battery needs replacing. If after this gets replaced something else is bad... expect to see a bald Courtney around because I will pull all my hair out. I just need my car to work for a few more months. I plan on getting a new one after income tax comes. I think its due time. I get excited thinking about having a new car :) When I got mine I was in a bind and I really didn't like the car at all but, I NEEDED it. This next car won't be like that.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back after the Holiday :)